today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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