I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
