I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize