meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
