everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
