Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
