Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
