I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
