For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
