Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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