Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
