The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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