No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
