So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
