Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
