You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
