I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
