All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
