Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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