So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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