You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
