My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
