fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
