I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
