Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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