I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
