You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
