Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Such a big mess for such a small penis
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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