pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
