Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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