I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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