I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
