Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
