I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
