im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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