??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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