Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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