Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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