I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
