We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
