When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
