Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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