I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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