It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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