I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
