I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
