Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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