I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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