he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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