Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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